Do Cyborgs Dream In Off White After Labor Day?
by Red Witch
Summary: After the latest incident with Barry, Ray talks to Lana about his fears of being a cyborg. Archer does not help.


**The disclaimer telling all of you that I don't own any Archer characters has gone off with Barry to meet his mom. Just some more thoughts from my tiny little mind.**

 **Do Cyborgs Dream In Off White After Labor Day? **

"Okay I think we've finally put everything back the way it was," Lana sighed as she and Archer headed towards the break room.

"Good, Mother will have one less thing to bitch about when she comes back from her mini vacation," Archer grumbled.

"She was kidnapped and held underground by a psychotic cyborg Archer," Lana said. "I think she deserves a weekend off."

"Speaking of being off…" Archer groaned when he heard the distinctive sounds of crying.

Ray was sitting alone in the breakroom, crying at the table. "Ray?" Lana asked.

"Great, Ray's having a breakdown in the break room," Archer rolled his eyes.

"Ray are you okay?" Lana went to him.

"No," Ray answered, sniffing a little.

"Obviously…" Archer groaned as he went to the refrigerator. "Jesus Ray what are you overreacting to **now**? What they kill off **another** favorite character on your shows?"

"Two days ago I saw a possible future of mine thrusting his metal pelvis all over the place," Ray groaned. "How do you **think** I should react?"

"Oh," Lana said gently patting Ray on the back.

"Yeah oh!" Ray groaned. "I'm trying to be positive about my bionics and I thought I turned a corner. But one look at Terminator Barry and the Days of Future Could Be sent me right back to where I started from."

"Shower night at the Y?" Archer quipped.

"You know…?" Lana glared at Archer.

"Come on Archer!" Ray protested. "Even you have to admit I have a right to be a little jumpy after that incident! It's like my biggest freaking fear was displayed and dancing around right before my eyes!"

"And yours," Lana pointed out to Archer.

"Technically cyborgs aren't my biggest fear," Archer pointed out. "Alligators, crocodiles and brain aneurysms are the top three. Cyborgs are like five or six. Four used to be the Bermuda Triangle but since I survived that I'm over it."

"Archer," Lana sighed.

"Technically four is cyborg alligators or cyborg crocodiles," Archer admitted. "But those are pretty out there even for me. Still you never know what Krieger will make in his lab. Right Ray?"

"Not helping Archer," Lana glared at him.

"So if you ever became a cyborg you wouldn't have a problem with it?" Ray barked. "Keeping in mind that you've hated cyborgs for years!"

"First of all, that's just **not** going to happen," Archer pointed out. "I mean I can see Krieger making a robot double of me but me becoming a full cyborg. No that's just not going to happen. And even if I did become a cyborg, like in some weird alternate universe thing. I'd be pretty awesome at it."

"What do you mean making a robot double of us?" Lana asked.

"What else would Krieger do with molds of all our faces and hands?" Archer asked.

"I don't even want to **think** about it," Ray groaned. "Bunch of robot cyborg versions of us."

"You mean either robot or cyborg versions of us," Lana said.

"What's the difference?" Ray asked.

"Actually there is a difference," Krieger spoke up as he walked in with Cyril. "Robots can't feel love. Cyborgs can. Robots are also all machine. While cyborgs are basically adding robotic parts to a human being. Or what used to be a human being."

"Why are you talking about the differences between cyborgs and robots?" Cyril asked.

"Don't ask," Archer told him. "Short version, Ray's being a baby."

"I am **not!** " Ray barked. "Not about this!"

"Is this about Barry?" Cyril asked.

"Yes!" Ray told him.

"And you're scared that you'll end up like him," Krieger nodded.

"Even Krieger **gets it**!" Lana pointed out to Archer.

"I just don't want to end up like Barry," Ray shuddered.

"I'd be afraid of that too," Archer said. "If I had to walk around with Cyril's face all day!"

"You know…?" Cyril snapped.

"I mean it's not like Barry was that good looking before but talk about a downgrade," Archer snorted.

"What? You would have rather put **your face** on?" Lana asked.

"Eh," Archer shrugged.

"At least you were a choice," Ray grumbled.

"Don't feel so bad Ray," Krieger said. "Frank Langella is a wonderful actor. You should be honored to be compared to him in any sense!"

"As I was saying to you people who have no sense," Archer began.

"Because god forbid the conversation isn't about **you** for even a minute," Ray grumbled.

"I'm not going to ever become a cyborg," Archer said. "So that's that."

"Honestly Archer I'm amazed you're _still alive_ by now with all the things that you've done to your body," Cyril pointed out. "Actually I'm amazed you still have all your original parts."

"With the way you drink a normal person would have had five liver transplants by now," Ray added.

"And that's not counting all the other punishment you put your body through," Krieger added. "Seriously Archer, your body has had some pretty traumatic strain in the past. All it will take to unravel it is either a semi-decent virus or a gunshot wound."

"Uh no," Archer scoffed. "I'm not going to die of a gunshot wound. Who do I look like? Brett? Remember Brett guys?"

"Yes Archer, we remember," Lana sighed.

"Brett was always getting shot," Archer laughed.

"Yeah and eventually he **died** of a gunshot wound," Lana gave him a look.

"True but it was Brett so the odds were pretty much even that would happen," Archer shrugged.

"You realize that by now you've been shot more times than Brett right?" Ray asked.

"I have **not** been shot more times than Brett!" Archer protested. "I've only been shot…Hang on…" He was doing the mental math.

"You know I can actually see Archer getting shot to death," Cyril spoke up. "Probably by someone he slept with."

"You've imagined that scenario quite a few times haven't you?" Lana gave him a look.

"Oh like I'm the **only** one!" Cyril snapped.

"Ehhh…Yeah," Krieger admitted.

"Yeah I've done that," Ray shrugged.

"Yup…" Lana admitted. "Usually it's me."

"Cheryl made one of her sketchbooks about it," Ray added.

"About me killing Archer?" Lana asked.

"Not just you," Krieger told her. "She's got a whole death squad of exes coming after Archer. Including Pam, Cheryl, Katya…"

"I could definitely see that happening," Cyril nodded.

"Okay so I've been shot twenty-six times by the time that Yakuza incident at the Tunt House occurred," Archer was still counting. "And after that was one…uh six or seven times with Conway stern…That one time at that one mission. And then all those other times which leads to…"

"Seriously how is he **still alive?"** Cyril groaned.

"Now Brett had been shot a total of…" Archer counted. "Fifteen, sixteen…And then that incident with the kidnappers. And then…That makes it…So Brett's only been shot…? And I've been shot…?"

"Interesting to see the look in his eyes when he finally comprehends the math," Ray grumbled. "Oh there it is!"

"Damn I have been shot more times than Brett," Archer realized.

"Just saying," Ray shrugged.

"Well at least I know a gunshot wound won't kill me," Archer shrugged. "Or at the very least highly unlikely."

"Again…Brett!" Lana told him.

"I can't die Lana," Archer waved. "Well not at least by a gunshot wound. In fact I don't think I can die period. Then again I'm not a bear."

"What do bears…?" Ray began.

"Don't ask…" Lana groaned. "Trust me. **Don't ask**. Archer is in total denial about his mortality."

"Gee what a shock," Cyril said dryly. "Call the National Review. We have tomorrow's headline."

"You realize that one of these days your luck is going to run out," Ray gave Archer a look. "You can only screw around with the Grim Reaper so many times before he screws you."

"Nobody gets out of here alive," Krieger added.

"Especially in this agency," Ray added.

"Oh please! I'm not going to die for years! Decades even!" Archer took his drink and left the room. "Besides I can't die! Nothing is going to happen to me so why worry about it?"

"Wait he really thinks that…?" Cyril did a double take.

"Yup," Lana sighed.

"He thinks he's immortal and I'm the one that's worried about turning into an **insane machine**?" Ray asked aloud.

"The thing you forgot to take into account is that Archer has **never** been sane," Cyril pointed out.

"He who fears losing his sanity knows that he still has it," Krieger spoke up.

"Not for much longer if I keep hanging around here," Ray groaned.


End file.
